The Journey of a Weighted Soul Part II.
How far did I go out from source
anyway?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most of my early teen and adult life felt panicky
and confusing yet I didn’t fall for a lot of information presented to me by
what one would call “mainstream media”. Going through experimentation with
drugs didn’t take up a long period of my life. I discovered, very quickly, mood
altering substances, while interesting and entertaining, were not a cure for loneliness
and confusion. Smoking cigarettes and over eating were the only two addictions
that stuck with me. So when it came to visiting the medical doctor about
problems most of the time the prescription he wrote for me would wind up in the
trash at home.
I wanted help but had not an ounce
of trust left within me. I saw too many people suffering the same fate as I and
their trust in modern treatments just made things worse for them.
I was fascinated with herbal studies
since young childhood. My grandmother Evans could grow anything anywhere which
fascinated me even more. I carried around a copy of “Back To Eden” by Jethro Kloss
and read it until the book fell apart. Also, the works of Edgar Cayce I found extremely
interesting (I thank my mother for this. She left these books lying around the house for me to find)… there was more to this life than pain and heart break and I knew
it! A winning concept but how to apply the concept in the real physical flesh
and in the messy world? The concepts of all the things I would study on
spirituality would stay as just that: concepts. Pretty words in print that I
continued to believe in but had not a clue how to apply to my daily physical life.
Making simple things more complicated was the name of my game. So I didn’t even
know what a proper spiritual practice looked like.
By
the time I was in my early 20s these big holes within my emotional and spiritual body
started becoming an issue as I put on a great deal of weight; trying to fill
those holes the best way I knew how, with food. Go forward 20 years, one failed marriage and
two children later saw me at the age of 40, at a height of 5’2 and weighing in
at 240 pounds. My health was in danger. Years of chain smoking, depression,
binge eating and fad dieting had finally taken its toll and I felt and looked
much older than 40.
{One
day around the age of 37-38, I highly suspect I suffered a heart attack. I was
outside goofing off with a young cousin and was trying to “keep up” with her
playing around. Suddenly there was a pain in my chest and arm I had never felt
before. Nauseated and dizzy I went inside and sat in a chair for about an hour
until the pain subsided. I got up, slowly put in a load
of laundry to wash and started supper. I said nothing but stored the event in
my mind. A little taste of death. It hurt like hell but didn't frighten me at all, just the opposite. I was intrigued a bit and thought of death often after that; not in a depressed suicidal way but it was a pivotal moment of something strange.}
All
the herbal and alternative healing studies remained stubbornly out of practical
application for reasons unknown at the time so I decided to “brush the mirror”.
*Brushing the mirror”: applying an
outside, most of the time mechanical, solution to an internal problem.
So after much thought and online research (not enough thought and online research) and through great desperation, I decided to have lap-band surgery. A lap-band is a removable device surgically wrapped around the top of the stomach with a “port” that is used to open and close off the stomach making it hard to over eat. It worked too… for about a year. Then all hell broke loose.
~end
part II of III.
