The Journey of a Weighted Soul
Part III of III.
Brushing
the mirror; I was making it happen! I just had lap-band surgery to “fix” my
over eating problem once and for all. My ego was happy and my spirit-soul was
keeping back as it often does during testing, quiet, observant.
I
lost weight like gangbusters… dropping like a ton of brick but I was so very
sick. At times it felt like I couldn’t even drink water without dry heaving and
gagging. Something was wrong. At the clinic the doctor kept saying, “Try not to
over eat because it will hurt you very badly”. But I wasn’t eating at all it
seemed. I dropped 100 pounds in 8 months all the while thoroughly miserable and
quite insane I must admit. I felt there was something up so I went back to have
the band checked. I noticed the doctor looked shocked at my appearance and made
an adjustment to the band that I did not ask for… he opened it all the way,
rendering it useless to keep any weight off at all that way. Unfortunately I
remained very ill for reasons unknown to me at the time.
During
this time I met a man that I fell head over heels in love with, and if you’ve
been on this earth very long you know that people attract the same sort of
persons that they are predominately. So yes, he was unhappy and nuttier than squirrel
poo! So I sat about “keeping company” with this man adding to an already volatile
situation within my person. I became so attached to him that it was as
unhealthy as my physical situation. Soon he grew disgusted with my clingy-ness and
continued sickness and moved to another state in pursuit of his own
dreams. I was devastated at that time and what little bit remained of my pride
and my mind left with him.
Nothing after that satisfied me. Not caring anymore
I discovered I could drink a great deal of calories with no problems (thank you
Starbucks) and I went about medicating myself in the way I knew best. Eighty of
my 100 lost pounds found me again. But for the first time in my adult life I
truly didn’t give a crap if I was ever considered physically attractive
by anyone pass the ice cream please.
Soon
enough I found solid food stayed down better than before and after a brief call
to the doctor I found out why. He admitted to opening the band as wide as it
would go. A procedure I did not request. I no longer trusted him and haven’t spoken with him since.
A
deeper depression than I have ever known took me. Death was something I thought
about often. The love for my children, friends and family kept me earth side
but only “just”. I thought about the desire of getting hit by a car, while out an about, more often
than I cared to admit.
And
now at Christmas 2008 after years of giving up on the notion of dying ~ I get my
wish. ~
It
had been a few years since being desperately emotionally ill enough to want to
die so you can imagine my surprise when the last thing I remember in 2008 was
wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and opening my eyes 3 weeks later after being
in a coma.
I had contracted bacterial spinal meningitis and my brain swelled
within my skull to the point of shut down. I had an enlightening death
experience… something I found interesting (in hindsight). But my family, my
mother in particular, was not impressed with it, sorry mom. After waking and being put in my own room, I kept thinking “Oh
I’ve been hit by a truck I just know it!” but was told (repeatedly) “no you’ve
been ill”. Oh well hmmm whatever gets the job done I guess.
I will write about my death experience in a separate
install. Now here I am 6 years into recovery and it’s taken every bit of that
time to work my way back into walking, talking and cognitive thinking (memory
is still a bit of an issue). My mother moved me up here to the mountains to
keep an eye on me and to give me less stress and time to come back to myself.
But I’ve done more than that. I haven’t come back to myself… I’ve come back to
someone totally different. A more spiritual person, so I’ve been told, the
pieces of the puzzle slip into place now. The healing practices I use to just
read about I practice on a more personal, intimate level to the point of being obnoxious.
But I don’t care ha ha. I no longer wish to get hit by a car or go anywhere
right now… how refreshing.
~
<3
