I.
Wikipedia’s definition of eating disorder:
“Eating disorder
From Wikipedia, the free
encyclopedia
Eating
disorders are
psychological illnesses defined by abnormal eating habits that may involve
either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an
individual's physical and mental health.”
My definition of eating disorder:
Subconsciously
programmed eating habits installed from the age of birth to around 5 years of
age. These habits, (a need to self medicate due to spiritual emptiness) backed
by emotional stimuli, are written in stone until consciously removed by the
owner of said program and new habits, backed by emotional stimuli, are
installed.
Thus my journey
begins….
~ A History
We are born to
1. Observe 2. Learn and 3. Store. That is why speech is one of the last things
to develop within our beginnings as humans. The rub of this fact is: we are
doing all three with the mentality of new beings, with only our immediate
family/care-givers as examples. As a baby born into a family from the south,
where food means love, I was no different than a lot of little girls in my 1960s
rural area.
This is the
first in a three part “short story” of sorts so no super deep details about my
family will be included with this writing at this time. But being the good
human I am, after my birth I set myself to task with the beginning three...
observe, learn and store: 1. Observing my fellow females in their interaction
with the males of the household. 2. Learning from them how to react to certain
stimuli (food is a great comfort when angry, unhappy, unloved, or just plain
bored with the mundane day to day!) 3. I stored all this info away in that
wonderful tool, ‘The Subconscious Mind’ allowing it to run in the background of
my life… and so
~ I was turned
loose on the world.
Actually I was
turned loose within my community first. A community of people that was raised
very closely to the way my brother and I were raised: turned loose to set in {{concrete}}
my programming with such emotional stimuli as heartbreak and triumphs…. with
fear and love amongst my peers. And now it’s how one interprets that “raise’n”
that sets one apart.
Do not think for one minute that I
blame my family for the events and the way things turned out in my life, I do
not: pass the buck, cast blame or feel any bitterness toward anyone in my
family or in my life circumstance past or present!
Somewhere inside
of me I stored away my own personal interpretation of the statement: “You cannot
be loved based on just being. You have to pay for love because it’s valuable
and nothing of value is free!
Things that
feel like love:
~Any type of
food that tastes good, steak, ice cream, ham and cheese sandwiches, pies (all
kinds), candy (most all kinds) I think I’ve covered all the food groups here…. Yeah
I did.
~ Any type of
substance that promotes “alternative awareness”, alcohol (most all kinds),
shrooms, pot, cigarettes (two packs a day), crank (not crack I’m talking late
1980s here people), acid (didn’t care for it so that was a onetime thing)
cocaine (cared for too much so that was a onetime thing…) ah and of course
~Any type of
soda you could think of, coke, sprite, Dr. Pepper (personal favorite) etc etc…
~Any type of
attention. Negative or positive for any reason what so ever.
~Any type of
lying down reading, t.v. watching, sex (sex felt like love or sometimes I
thought I could pay for love with sex). I didn’t know really. I was clueless or
there was some sort of “learning disability” going on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
But one owns
the programs and the personal interpretations of those programs that are given and installed. This is true for all
of us… it's the starting point or “0 point”. It’s the hero’s journey. To find your
way to the light with as much love and humanity as you can muster is the task set
before all of us.
So now you see
I had the necessary items for a wonderful recipe of depression, misunderstanding
and a lonely life…. a true departure from God. And now with a bit of fearful panic... the path back to the light must be set upon.
....To be
continued.
